The following tales are true, and by true, I mean false. At best they're half truths. But they're entertaining half truths, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
I never really liked the movie Annie. I’m not fond of musicals in general, but this story of a precocious ginger-haired orphan really riled me for some reason. Maybe it was because the homeless kids I knew never seemed to have that much fun or maybe it was because there was a weird old guy called Daddy Warbucks...
Read MoreI need to put this out there right from the beginning — I like being a dad. Yeah it may sound like I’m not super keen, what with the vomit, the torrents of poo, the whining, the crying and the tears — so many tears. But I am keen. I really like it. It’s rewarding as hell.
Read MoreRemember how I told you about time and how it doesn’t seem to work for me? Well, that was kind of a lie. We certainly have our differences, of that there is no mistake. It’s clearly at fault for hurling distractions at me, preventing me from doing the things I said I would do, like clean the gutters or go through my wardrobe and discard every pair of holy underpants.
Read MoreI never was much good at physics. Make that science in general. No matter how hard I pretended to try I just couldn't grasp the weird concepts being thrown at me. Bending lights, invisible rays, refraction, reflection, combustible liquids, the space-time continuum (what the hell is that?) time in general; none of it made sense.
Read MoreThings had been pretty damn good since that weird moment in the bedroom. I was in a place I’d never thought possible. Married, content and regularly getting some.
Read MoreThe air was thick with it. That smell. You know the one. The heady aroma of crisp freshly laundered sheets, rain on the wind, coffee and three different types of bodily fluids.
Read MoreWaiting is a terrible thing. You're always anxious, nervous, easily angered. The most minute annoyance rapidly escalates into a raging mass of frustration and hysteria until you snatch a blunt instrument and bludgeon the person standing next to you blue and black until they resemble a tattooed Smurf.
Read More"Good luck," she said, re-entering traffic and waving from her car.
"Hmpppphhhh fuggan!" Came my response.
Read MoreThe hand crushing continued as we sat side by side, in a small room, littered with ageing posters and pamphlets on fertilisation and pregnancy.
Read MoreWe were sitting in a busy waiting room as nurses and other medical type people zipped past us. Other couples filled out the seating bays, their faces etched with an altogether familiar combination of bewilderment and uncertainty. Well, the males anyway.
Read MoreA miraculous recovery. Sat on the couch, a bowl of Doritos balanced expertly on my lap, remote firmly in hand, I marvelled at how I escaped, like a stricken and filthy Hobbit...
Read MoreAbout five years ago, my wife and I were doing what couples do best together. Shopping. Walking around one of those soulless, yet wholly gratifying suburban homemaker centres, hand in hand, flitting from shop to shop, without a care in the world and not really bothered if we bought anything.
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